One of the first poems I wrote was in tribute to my Spanish teacher, Enrique Parada.  I enrolled in his evening class as an adult and liked him instantly.  I wanted to invite him to my parents’ home over Christmas when I learnt that he was spending Christmas alone. I talked myself out of it because I felt it was weird or I was being over-friendly or inappropriate.  When class resumed in January, we learnt that Enrique had died over the holidays.

I was overcome with grief and an immense sadness. I felt guilty that I hadn’t invited him over for Christmas but I never allowed myself to grieve fully because I didn’t feel that I had the right to.  He wasn’t a close friend or family member and I had only known him for a short time.  I was devastated over his death.  I didn’t speak to anyone about it and I often cried myself to sleep – even years after he passed.

Through this experience, I learnt that we are allowed to grieve people and be saddened by their passing even if our time with them was limited.  I get attached to people easily and I used to think that was a problem but perhaps that’s a beautiful side to me.

It all just makes me want to love people harder – whether they’re an old or new friend!

I Didn’t Know

I didn’t know about your family or siblings

The area you were born or the house that you lived in

I didn’t know about your childhood

If you were naughty as a devil or if you were angelic and good

I didn’t know about your early years

As you grew playing games, all the laughter and tears

I didn’t know about your schooling

Favourite subjects you were good at, what you enjoyed and excelled in

I didn’t know about your first dreams and ambitions

And what would become your life’s missions

I didn’t know about your experiences and travels

What opened your eyes and made your self unravel

I didn’t know about any difficulties and tough times

How you kept your head above water and kept out of binds

I didn’t know about the battles you chose to fight

How you supported others, flexing all your might

I didn’t know about your fears and concerns

Your worries, your dreams and what made your heart yearn

I didn’t know about your grownup family

And your hopes for their future and what they would be

I didn’t know what made you laugh and made you giggle

What brought you joy and how you’d squeal and wriggle

I didn’t know about the turning points in your life

What drove you, kept you on track when doubts were rife

I didn’t know what made you who you are

And why by so many you’re considered a star

I didn’t know about all the things you used to do

Habits and characteristics that speak only of you

I didn’t know but when I found out I cried

So many things I didn’t know but found out when you died.

 

And as your friends, family and colleagues

Touchingly retell your life in their beautiful eulogies

I begin to get a clearer picture of you.

As I listen my heart swells with pride

And I’m filled with love for the life you lived before you died

And it hurts so much that I’ll never be able to tell you.

That’s why this loss feels so wrong

That I found out the true you once you’ve gone

And there are things I want to say that I’m sure you’d like to hear too

And most days I think of you and sometimes cry

Because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye

And I know this death was unexpected for you too.

 

RIP Enrique Parada