Not the One

I should have listended to myself!

Last week I posted  my poem “LEAVE” about a verbally and psychologically abusive partner.  The relationship was on/off but before it ended for good this year, I found myself going back, time and again.

After our first breakup, he started calling and suggesting we meet up.  The calls were friendly and amicable but deep down, I knew it wouldn’t be a good idea to meet or rekindle our dysfunctional relationship.  My head and gut were saying ‘No’ but strangely we were planning our next meetup.  I was going there!

I didn’t speak to my friends about this.  Instead I thought I’d write a poem about how unsuitable he is, because surely, I would listen to my own words and advice.  I didn’t.  I wrote the poem, read it, agreed with it, met him, rekindled the relationship a few times and suffered.  If only I listened to myself, I would have saved myself A LOT of heartache!

 

Not the One

 

To know intellectually is

Not enough

I see a future with you

It ends in ruins

Except I stay

Telling myself

That I’m so happy

And some days I am.

 

To know instinctively should

Be enough

Yet my fickle heart

Unlocks doors to let you back in

Distrusting my own words

My “No” becomes “Yes”

My “Leave me alone” becomes “I miss you”

I fear you will draw me into your sphere

Catching me in your web like a little, lost lamb

Unaware of the risk around me.

 

You should be greeted with silence

With a void

So empty and still

Possessing nothing for you to reach out to

While you wait

It remains unchanged

Like an untouched part of the universe where darkness resides

Will always reside

I will not enter this space

Bringing light, laughter and comfort.

 

To know once is

Not absolute

I must know each day

That what you offer

Is not what I want

I have waivered 

I have taken steps towards you

Because you have asked me to

I have broken my resolve

Retracted my vows

Because you haven’t gone away.

 

I know

On multiple levels

As much as I loved you

As much as I wish you well

That you are

Not the One

3 thoughts on “Not the One

  1. This is such a great poem about how difficult it is to leave a realtionship, at least something good came from this relationship

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