I should have listended to myself!
Last week I posted my poem “LEAVE” about a verbally and psychologically abusive partner. The relationship was on/off but before it ended for good this year, I found myself going back, time and again.
After our first breakup, he started calling and suggesting we meet up. The calls were friendly and amicable but deep down, I knew it wouldn’t be a good idea to meet or rekindle our dysfunctional relationship. My head and gut were saying ‘No’ but strangely we were planning our next meetup. I was going there!
I didn’t speak to my friends about this. Instead I thought I’d write a poem about how unsuitable he is, because surely, I would listen to my own words and advice. I didn’t. I wrote the poem, read it, agreed with it, met him, rekindled the relationship a few times and suffered. If only I listened to myself, I would have saved myself A LOT of heartache!
Not the One
To know intellectually is
Not enough
I see a future with you
It ends in ruins
Except I stay
Telling myself
That I’m so happy
And some days I am.
To know instinctively should
Be enough
Yet my fickle heart
Unlocks doors to let you back in
Distrusting my own words
My “No” becomes “Yes”
My “Leave me alone” becomes “I miss you”
I fear you will draw me into your sphere
Catching me in your web like a little, lost lamb
Unaware of the risk around me.
You should be greeted with silence
With a void
So empty and still
Possessing nothing for you to reach out to
While you wait
It remains unchanged
Like an untouched part of the universe where darkness resides
Will always reside
I will not enter this space
Bringing light, laughter and comfort.
To know once is
Not absolute
I must know each day
That what you offer
Is not what I want
I have waivered
I have taken steps towards you
Because you have asked me to
I have broken my resolve
Retracted my vows
Because you haven’t gone away.
I know
On multiple levels
As much as I loved you
As much as I wish you well
That you are
Not the One
This is such a great poem about how difficult it is to leave a realtionship, at least something good came from this relationship
Absolutely! Thank you, Becky xxx
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