Wildly Mistaken
Last year, I ended a relationship with someone who was extremely horrible to me. It’s almost a year since I last saw him. I don’t like to talk about him, even less to think about him but sometimes negative thoughts and memories invade my peace.
I was thinking about how he constantly criticised me. Complaints on loop about my personality, everything that I did and my physical appearance. He would make assertions about how crazy and lazy I was and how I lacked discipline and will-power. I thought to myself “My man, you really don’t know me at all”. Firstly, if you want to encourage me to take a different course of action, insults are not the way to achieve those results. Secondly, there have been multiple occasions that I have proved how strong, determined and capable I am. If you really want to help – remind me how Bad Ass I have been in the past. Because sometimes I forget.
I set out to write a poem about not allowing any Negative Nancy to tell you who you are. Especially when you know that you have deposited so many brilliant pearls into your life account, you live well, treating people with kindness and you’ve battled and overcome so many trials and you’re still standing. Stick to the script that you’ve been writing for yourself. You don’t need a co-author to rain on your parade. Particularly one who is lacking in so many admirable qualities and one who is determined to chip away at you. You write your script. You design your life. You learn from all highs and lows and anyone who can’t see how marvelous you are – can get lost!
That’s what I intended to write. “Off-Base” flowed out. This made me see that there is still some hurt surrounding this period in my life. But I do sense a feeling of liberation after noting these ideas down. I’ve just reminded myself how Bad Ass I can be.
Curiously, in all the years that I have been writing poetry, I have often been asked if I’ve found the act of writing cathartic. I can see why people ask that, but I’ve never sensed such great relief after writing some of my most heartfelt and emotional poems. That is, until now. This poem which rushed out of me feels healing and restorative. I feel like I can leave this little episode of a nasty relationship behind me – banished to 2020 with some other painful events. Not to be rolled over into this year to disturb my peace any longer. I’m so over it!!! LOL!
Off-Base
Blast me with your horn
Proclaim your damnation
Every morning as I rise
Spit fire
By day
By night, I am engulfed
Fan the flames
Just enough so I know your position
I guess we can say that you’re displeased
Your fury is buttoned-up
At times I feel I’m safe
I can endure the rumbles
By ignoring you
You are a background irritant
A lost channel
Static on the home line
I can’t remember the last time I used the home line
I can forget you’re there
But somehow you’ve rooted yourself into my life
Eventually I have to address your presence
I’m attuned to the disturbance
I can endure
Why should I?
Consistent tirades of complaints
To sum it up
I’m not good enough
Not good enough for the boy who never smiles
Who is distrusting of joy
Who has made a stance against happiness
It’s no small feat to make your heart swell
Your eyes glitter
To turn the corners of your mouth upside down
You can’t do it
Nor can I
Your flaws stay off the table
I’m not the type of player to take strikes
I didn’t realise that we were opponents
You play by a different set of rules
Attack is your preferred method of defence
I am the target
You take your aim
To be so enraged
By my mere existence
You’d think that perhaps you would like to separate
To break the cord that binds us
Sever contact
But you’d like to hold on
For you, this is an act of love
You care about my health and well-being
A tad ironic!
You say so many things
That have no basis in a truth that I can recognise
Do you even know me at all?
The person at the end of your insults deserves some compassion
But she’s not me
Maybe I’ve downplayed my qualities
Maybe you’re blind
Maybe this is your way of stuffing me into a box
You don’t know
The strength
Determination
Grit
I’ve already shown
Before you entered the scene to trample me underfoot
You don’t know
Swing your axe
Bite chunks out of me
Drag me through dirt
I don’t know why I endured
When I could have walked away
You don’t know
What I mean to others
Their love and affection for me
You don’t know
Take your best shot
Unleash your wrath
Attempt to make mince meat of me
Tear me to shreds
Do your worse
Destroy each fragment
Piece by piece
You don’t know
Who you are dealing with
The day I remembered
The day my senses returned
The day my friends hoisted me into the air
You don’t know
But I
The author of my life
The one who draws good things towards me
The one who can take the punches
And remain standing
I, with my script in hand
The blueprint of who I am
I, the believer
The dreamer
I was made for more than the drudgery you present
I draw a line under this chapter
You’re not essential to the plot
Your reign was hard
But not lasting
I sift the good from the bad
You can’t feature
In my today
In my tomorrow
Because I know who I am
It’s not for me to make you comprehend
You were looking to degrade someone like trash
My dear, I am a jewel
You may have never learnt to handle precious things with care
That’s not my problem.
This is brilliant Kat xx
Thank you, Elaine xxx
Yes, you are worth so much more than he realised, you are definitely not crazy and lazy, I can’t wait to see you exceed your potential in 2021 x
Thank you, Becky! Thank you so much for your encouragement – Always!!
Love, Kat xx